I feel so bad.....Is it considered lying if you let them assume that they know what is wrong with you? is it? i don't wnat him to see me as slefish or as a bore ...Or make him feel obligated to be with me.... But somtimes it feels as though he wants other tings and jsut thinking baout it hurts so much...   Maybe its jsut me being whiney...I don't know hy, but i'v been sinking back into depression and he seemes to be the only thinsg that makes me happy anymore. Call it obssesion...Call it loe..call it dependence acll it what you will...I don't care what you cal it.

Latley I've been feeling a bit suicidal somtimes i evenwant to cut again. can i really ruiin all the progress i've made...Jsut becasue i can't deal.... Can i really take teh apin away if i will it all away. can i really create so much distrust because I decide to  take my life away or cut into my flesh?  I don't know hat to do.... I don't wnat to disapoint anyone that might believ in e.... id on't wnat e too hate me because I'm not  ok...not normal...i love him so much...i don't want to lose him.... Oh godd...i'm so stupid...I'm so messed up... whats wrong with me?

 would it be easier if poeple decided to just forget me? because then atleast no one would remeber..no one would notice if i decided to die today...would it even matter?

Omg whats going on? My life seems a mess.  At night latley i dream......or should i say replay memories..nightmares..cause thspe could never be dreams..... Of all those things....

 the dates coming up of the trial memories...when everything gott unearthed and when life became even more hell. Uck..nevemind I'm not typing this shit now...I'm gonna golay donw. Maybe e will call me and i can feel better a bit...

You sing my evil lullaby

It echoes through my head

Sending visions to my eyes

Sending all the things I still want to believe as lies

It whispers softly

The endless madness and fear

That causes me to shed these tears

It echoes through my head

Ever time I lay down to rest

Hoping for the very best

In the giant mess

That I’ve learned to call my life

I hear you still

My evil melody

You sing the songs

Of my evil lullaby

It echoes the madness

That is causing me to lose my sanity

The one that cries me to sleep each night

The one that makes me want to

Give up this endless fight

Your evil lullaby

Makes me wish for death

Even though I want to live this life

Your evil lullaby

Is the memories that relay to me

That I might not ever be alright

Oh, angel please don’t let me end this fight

Please my love hold on to me ever so tight

My evil father

Your lullaby sings to me

Haunting me through every night

Oh how I want to end this fight

Will I ever be truly alright?

Through the darkness of the night?

Or will your evil lullaby

Echo

Forever

With all it’s might?

I love the rain. I can go sit beneath it and its calming....But even better I can go sit benaeth it and cry and call the tears rain.  It acn soothe me when know on is here to do so. I don't know why I'm sad...I guess I jsut can't help when the next thing somting is going to go wrong since ive never ben truly ahppy exscpeacially for over a month.... ack..I'm gonna go...I'm being whiney... i'm gonna go now.... My angels talking tome...I don't ahve to cry to a diary now.

omg

Mys sister may be moving to japan. I don't know what to do. If she moves to japan. I will probably loose her forever. No one is picking up their phones. God......I feel as if my heart is being crushed.....

I know its her dream...and its selfish of me to wish her to stay here....But I don't want to lose her. I know I have to support her...But it hurts so bad to do so. I have no clue what to do....

The reason for life

My name is Lohararhna. Nicknamed Rayna. Throughout my life I have lived alot of hardships. Though I finally have somthing to live for. I still ahve to fight to not cut .... But atleast now i ahve a reason to live and a reason to smile. Maybe one day I will be better, but I'm happy enough to know I'm starting to heal. I live for my boyfriend, my love , my everything; Ian Peuterbaugh.  

Never want to say goodnight

A single red rose

Lays upon your pillow

telling you I love you

But I have to say goodbye

for I'm tired of crying these crimson tears

Please my angel

If it ever comes to this

Do not mourn for me

Hold me tight within your loving arms

Kiss me goodnight

And sing my eternal lullaby

For taht night

WE will say goodbye

I'll leave for you a rose

Symbolizing the beauty of our love

Stained crimson like our sorrowful goodnight

Though how could anyone be so cruel

To hurt an angel

Such as you

So I hope I'll become alright

because never do I wnat to say goodnight

Never do I wish do lose you from my sight

So Hold me within your arms

And never let me go

Kiss me on the lips

And tell me you'll see me in the early mourn

No crimson rose to lay upon my pillow

No sorrowful goodbyes..,

I want to be able to kiss you infront of every sunrise

So hold  me tight

I'll never close my eyes

I'll never say goodbye

I never want to be the one to make you cry

So now i lay down this knife

Never shall I say goodnight

I'll stay with you through each day and night

With you my angel

I promise i will put up a fight

And on my pillow only the white rose shall lay

Signifying the hope and faith

that one day I'll be ok again

But till then

I promise

I'll see you in the morn

I'll be there in yuor arms

Never saying goodnight

But I'll be here in the morn

I'll never say goodnight

So never shall you mourn

That's a crappy first poem for this site...But i ahven't written for a few months so I'm a little bit rusty. Well, I guess that's enough about me for now.

Love

Rayna